Letter to the Editor: Upgrade to undocumented alien

Dear Editor:
As a native Colorado resident and an excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an undocumented alien.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. citizen to undocumented alien (UDA) stems from the bill that was recently passed by the U.S. Senate. Then, as a UDA who has been in the United States for 66 years, all I would need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last 66 years.
I know a good deal when I see one, and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year, so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.
Is there any way that I can apply to be undocumented retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2010 and 2012.
Additionally, as a UDA I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health-care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit to gaining undocumented status would be that my two granddaughters would receive preferential treatment on her school applications as well as pay “in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my grandsons.
Lastly, I understand that undocumented status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college-aged grandchildren driving my car!
I am hoping to reach “undocumented alien” status rather than just be a bona fide citizen of the USA!
Tom Kilduff
Meeker