“Somehow each of the three bears figured out exactly what was comfortable for them. And yet despite the obvious differences, they did not try to impose their preferences on the rest of the family. And if we can take a lesson from that, maybe that would make our society a bit more bearable.”
~ Craig D. Lounsbrough
Gathering with one’s adult children for the holidays is one of the greatest blessings to savor and also one of the most bittersweet. There’s intangible proof of all the ways you parented successfully — the young adult who takes out the trash without being asked, the new mommy or daddy doing exactly what they should be doing as parents of an infant, the kid whose room could have been featured on an episode of “Hoarders” now leaves the guest room spotless. Those encouraging signs appear right alongside choices that might make you wonder if you missed a page or three in that parenting-for-dummies book. Holidays are often convenient opportunities for springing a new significant other on the family, sharing plans to abandon college for a DIY jungle excursion through South America, or other big news. Sometimes it’s the child who comes home with a newfound ideology that you feel cannot possibly coexist with yours… the newly-minted and ardent vegan, sudden religious zealot, or the card-carrying member of the opposing political party.
It goes both ways. Adult children may be horrified to discover life didn’t stop when they moved out and their parents went on growing and changing and adapting to life in new ways without them.
I like the above quote from author and counselor Craig D. Lounsbrough because it addresses the way we might approach those moments of discovering our family members are not copy-paste replicas of us (and sometimes, depending on the family member, that’s cause for rejoicing all by itself).
As Lounsbrough states, in the classic children’s tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, the bears were all individuals with differing preferences, yet they “did not try to impose their preferences on the rest of the family.” That would certainly create space for greater peace at home. And if it works at home, it will likely work at the store, in the office, and everywhere in-between.
