“…William wondered why he always disliked people who said ‘no offense meant.’ Maybe it was because they found it easier to to say ‘no offense meant’ than actually to refrain from giving offense.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Truth: Stage Adaptation
There’s a well-known rule that if you want to find out how unpleasant the general public can be, work in customer service, where you, as a “lowly” server or clerk, are subjected to people who seem to believe, as my dad used to say, “their s*** don’t stink.”
The older I get the more I realize it’s not just retail and food-service workers, although they probably get the worst of it. We tend to behave a little better with people who have authority over us. You don’t want to be a wretch to your doctor, lawyer, or that police officer who pulled you over, for example, because the consequences might outweigh any twisted satisfaction that comes from being a jerk. (Unconfirmed reports from a friend who worked at a fast food place in high school indicate it’s probably unwise to be rude to the people working the drive-thru, too.)
I think we’d all agree life is better when everyone avoids being hateful, and I think we’re all aware that will never be the case this side of eternity. People are gonna people, and that means we’re all going to encounter insufferable boors or fall into the trap of acting like one from time to time. Meanness is as contagious (and gross) as an oozing rash, so when we run into people who’ve made being unpleasant a competitive sport, how do we avoid being negatively affected by their bad behavior, or worse, echoing them?
I have not mastered this skill. Sometimes it takes days to get my hackles back down after dealing with one of these charmers. It helps me to remember that most professional jerks didn’t choose their calling. No matter how powerful and knowledgeable and important they pretend to be, they’re really the pitiful victims of other jerks who tormented them in their formative years. They’re just repeating the cycle because they don’t know any better.
Wounded animals are snarly and snappish. Wounded humans are the same, but we include emotional pain, not just physical injury. It’s harder to recognize when emotional pain is being projected.
So those insufferable boors who keep giving you fits? They’re probably wounded and lashing out. Recognizing that helps generate enough compassion to keep from snapping back. Now if I can just remember that next time before I spike my blood pressure.
