This is part two of THE BABY SURVIVAL KIT. Years ago, I started a tradition of giving a gift basket to expecting parents. It was for the first-born child of couples we knew well. It started out as both practical guide and a source of humor for nervous new parents. I always asked that this letter be read the baby shower aloud so that all the ladies could have a chuckle. I hope you enjoy it too.
THERMOMETER. For use during the frequent periods of colds mentioned above. Each child has its own slightly different temperature. Establish a benchmark temperature while the baby is healthy, which occurs about every three weeks between two and four o’clock. Remember that a crying child will raise their temperature when crying. Come to think of it, so will the mother’s temperature after four hours of constant baby crying.
MEASURING SYRINGE. Is for convincing a reluctant, sick, screaming baby that medicine is a wonderful thing to ingest. It can be used for liquid medicines or vitamins. Buy several later, or wait for some sympathetic pharmacist to give you some free after your hundredth visit to his establishment. All your druggists and appointment secretaries will know soon know your first name. Your pediatrician, on the other hand will never remember your name and will insist on calling your daughter, Fred.
BABY BATH, SHAMPOO, AND LOTION. Bath stuff. Good luck! Tearless shampoo is a myth. (Note to mothers: Always use a washcloth to temporarily cover the groin area of boy babies when exposing bare skin to cool water or air. Resulting fountains can be distracting. (Another fact of life your mother never told you about).
VITAMIN B-6, AKA “CALM DOWN DEAR” pills. Designed to take one with breakfast in the morning after getting the prescribed two hours of sleep. B-6 is purported to be good for evening-out mood swings and improving memory. It will help you stay alert enough to remember where you left the baby, or where you parked your car at the mall. Remember B-6 is good for irritable new mothers AND fathers.
THE BASKET (or the baby bag we now use). Is for you to leave the baby in at Grandma’s doorstep while you make a quick get-away. This is done after two weeks of sleep deprivation by the new parents. Therapy is recommended. They don’t call them “basket cases” for nothing.
CAUTION: KEEP THIS INSTRUCTION PAPER SECRET FROM NEWLYWEDS CONSIDERING HAVING A BABY. THE RESULTING DROP IN BIRTHRATE COULD ENDANGER THE PLANET. THE LAST TIME THIS PAPER WAS ACCIDENTLY PUBLISHED, THE 1960’S BABY BOOM CAME TO AN ABRUPT STOP.
By ED PECK – Special to the Herald Times
