Words never said by a turkey: “Well, it’s time to head off for the holidays.” Seriously, there are some important questions to be answered about Thanksgiving. Deep political questions that have caused many divorces. I mean the age-old argument: light versus dark meat. I truly think this should be a compatibility question on dating sites. To avoid waste and food fights, one spouse needs to be a dark meat person and the other a light meat person. Think of how many world hunger problems we could solve!
I wonder if there is a National Butterball Turkey hotline open on Thanksgiving Day? How would you answer these inquiries? “Is it OK to thaw a turkey in the dishwasher?” The real issue is, what is a bachelor doing trying to make a Thanksgiving dinner? How about…”Should I use an oral or rectal meat thermometer?” I ask you. Would you trust your medical care to this doctor? My personal favorite: “ My wife is in labor. What should I do with the turkey?” Frankly, the wife should be concerned about marrying this turkey in the first place.
Of course, every year there is a radical faction who do not want turkeys cooked at all. Forget all the hype about a turkey receiving a presidential pardon. Do you really think the White House staff is going to serve up only prime rib? Have you seen the Chick-fil-A cow standing up with a sign that says, “EAT MOR CHIKIN”? It is my theory, the “cow” is really a turkey in a cow costume standing on two legs trying to divert the whole gobbler issue. Call it a conspiracy theory if you want, but I know that cows can’t stand on two legs and turkeys can. Well, I am going to stand up for my rights to buy a frozen bird and consume it. No tofu turkey for me!
For those of you who are just coming out of a turkey-induced coma, here are some alternatives to the usual turkey leftover sandwiches. Turkey Flambé; Candy Corn stuffing; turkey marmalade; turkey hash; turkey-cranberry pizza; turkey on a shingle, and lastly turkey Twinkies. Well after all the ball games are done and rehashed seven ways, sit down with the family, and stream the usual holiday movies. My favorites are Wild Turkey Zombies – Headless and Plucked! And the traditional thriller, The Night of the Living Turkey. As you snack on leftover turkey sandwiches, remember, you are what you eat!
By ED PECK
