“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~ Añais Nin
According to pioneering family therapist Virginia Satir, there are more than 250 ways to do the dishes.
I just finished playing dish Jenga — that advanced skill developed by people without automatic dishwashers that allows them to stack, balance and sort glassware, pots, pans, bowls and silverware next to the sink to air dry in a precarious tower. Responsibly hand-drying everything and putting it away immediately is another method, though I’d classify that as a doctorate-level skill.
Then there are the variables. Do you wear gloves? Use a brush, a scrubbie or a dishrag? Presoak or not? Rinse in standing water or under running water? Hot water or cold?
And that’s just hand-washing. There are probably more ways to load and unload a dishwasher than there are dishwasher brands.
Most of us have opinions about those methods, but our opinions don’t make them right or wrong. As long as the overall goal is accomplished — clean dishes — the route taken to get there matters a lot less than we like to think.
Satir used everyday differences like these to illustrate something larger. The way we communicate about our differences in methods, approaches and perspectives reveals how we cope with problems and relate to one another. She identified communication styles we slip into almost automatically: the blamer, the placater, the distracter and others. They become the lens through which we project our understanding of the world.
The trouble is that we forget our perceptions are limited.
We walk around convinced we’re right about nearly everything.
Or we forget that other people’s perceptions are limited, too, and allow their views to shape us, mold us or shrink us until we fit their projection of who they think we should be.
What if we spent less time defending our perceptions and more time focusing on the purpose in front of us? Less energy proving our method is the correct one and more energy accomplishing the task at hand?
After all, the goal was never to win an argument about the dishes.
The goal was to get the dishes clean.
Now apply that thought process to all the things we’re perpetually arguing about… religion, politics, healthcare,, etc. Because while we’re over here trying to convince ourselves and everyone else our way is the best way, some pragmatic person is over there just getting the job done.
