EDITOR’S COLUMN: Choices

In the four years since the loss of my oldest son, I’ve spent a lot of time developing a working relationship with this thing called grief. Ethan’s death was an abrupt plunge into an unpleasant human experience we fear, and work hard to avoid, deny, ignore and suppress. 

Grief is like having a complete stranger — the worst under-the-bed monster you ever imagined in childhood — suddenly move into your house for an indefinite and unwelcome stay. It sleeps with you, showers with you, eats with you, watches TV with you, and never leaves your side. Resistance is futile, like the Borg from Star Trek. The more you resist, numb, avoid and deny, the more powerful grief becomes until you allow it to do its job. If you don’t let the grief resolve (which is as painful as debriding a wound without any anesthesia), it has the capacity to completely consume your life.

The farther I get from that disastrous day, the more I see the destructive power of unresolved grief. Every Marvel and DC villain, and many of the heroes, were forged from grief. I think the same is probably true in real life, and it all stems from a choice. There have been more losses in my life in the last four years, and every time my initial reaction to grief’s knock has been to recoil. And then I remember… I can work with it, or I can become a casualty to it. The choice is entirely up to me. 

I can’t say I like grief’s company now, despite the familiarity, but I do recognize it as a necessary and unavoidable partner in this dance we call life. 

By NIKI TURNER – editor@editorht1885.com