Did you ever look at something new and declare, “I thought of that a long time ago!”? I am sure there of hundreds of people out there wishing they held the patent on Sticky Notes. 3M made a fortune on this little item and the spin offs. My computer screen is seldom without a reminder note or two. It’s the best thing since tying a string around my finger in first grade. I have been exploring inventions that I could have made money on, or not.
The years 2003 and 2004 were prime years for people filing patent applications, in my opinion. Edible business cards was one of patents granted. I am thinking the chocolate ones would be a winner. However, if you think about it, a business card is something you want your customers keeping in file, not eating. However, they might be useful for members of the Mission Impossible Force. It would be more palatable when eating the evidence.
How about nicotine infused coffee? An efficient way to deal with two legal stimulants at the same time. You wouldn’t be confused with smoking a Monster drink or wearing a coffee patch. Ever get tired of your eyeglasses sliding down your nose? Here is your big break, glasses that are mounted to a piercing on the bridge of your nose! You remove the glasses by unscrewing them from the mount. The mount is a permanent fashion accessory to your face. It would be my luck to forget where I laid the glasses down. Oh wait, I have that problem now! If you are concerned with workplace violence, Patent #6,170,379 is a bullet-proof shield for attaching to almost any desk. I am not sure if attaches to the desktop or if it extends below desk level. As a man, I am concerned with all my vital parts being protected. If you are monitoring your Fit Bit and counting your steps, lets go one step further. Patent 5,031,161 is a watch that monitors your health factors and constantly recalculates your life expectancy based on insurance actuarial tables. It has been found to be 100 percent accurate for anyone looking at their watch while J-walking in front of a RTD bus in Denver. A restaurant tried to challenge Smucker’s on their patent for “Uncrustables,” a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off and crimped to keep the jelly from squeezing out. The restaurant claims to have the same thing on their menu for years. How un-American! To patent and restrict my use of a PB&J! There has got to be something in the Constitution somewhere. While I am talking about food, there is a patent for an electric spoon which cools hot soup before it burns your tongue. It makes about much sense as the curved suitcase for safely carrying individual bananas. Patent 5,233,914 has my vote. It is an in-car coffeemaker with cup guard for highway guzzling. I want one with an option for intravenous caffeine consumption. Hey! Maybe I can get a patent for that!
By ED PECK
Special to the Herald Times