Gossip is definitely a big problem in any small town, but hearing about a sudden change in someone else’s life from a close friend or family about another friend doesn’t feel like gossip. After all, the questions about what actually happened are to be expected. Unfortunately, the vicious rumors based on assumptions are put into circulation right after something life-changing has happened. In the the early days, it feels disrespectful to ask more than the basic who and where of the news.
The how or why usually comes much later. The innocuous question, “Did you hear what happened to so and so?” should not be considered as harmless as it appears. It often becomes intrusive and hurtful. What originally is shared between close friends, who are trying to make sure enough help is on hand when needed, turns into gossip. It cannot be said that it is based on care and concern, as it includes more speculation than fact.
Initially a list of names of the family and friends to be notified has been made and a phone chain started. The phone call letting you know the important details of someone’s death are the important details that need to be shared immediately. These brief exchanges of facts might be preceded by such statements, “I am sorry to be the one to tell you this news….” or “I was asked to share this news with you…” Farther down the tangled telephone wires are the ones that add salacious details to the original reports. These are not based on fact.
The original purpose for sharing has been stymied by the passing of time and the concern of the community is no longer a priority. The only thing that matters is that community members still are a part of the grieving family and friends. Those who are most affected by the negative stories people tell later describe the feelings of isolation and hurt that overcame them. Hearing this long after, many friends and family remember how awkward they felt, and how they did not keep in touch regularly because they couldn’t think of what to say. Experts in grieving try to keep reminding us that everyone grieves differently and suggests that we all consider the little things in our daily lives that make us all feel better. The best remedy for that is to stop talking, but continue to show up and remain a presence.
By DOLLY VISCARDI
