One of the characteristics that separate man and beast is the control of fire. Eons ago, the first man discovered a burning ember left over from a lightning strike and said, “OUCH.” Language and four letter words were also discovered. Things progressed when he found a roasted squirrel left over from a forest fire and found eating much tastier when food was cooked and A-1 steak sauce added.
Early man began to carry glowing embers from campsite to campsite to reignite a full fire with collected wood. Again, the word “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH” was created to describe the method of fire transportation. Pockets in his bearskin tunic were quickly abandoned as a way to store a portable fire. Archaeologists are unable to ascertain what came next, the stick rubbing method, or the two stone striker method of creating fire in an OSHA approved fire starting technique. I am pretty sure that whatever method was used, California required a warning label declaring in a possible source of cancer.
I am inclined to believe that primitive man was wandering Minnesota, being eaten by prehistoric mosquitoes when he picked up two rocks and used them to smash bugs. By accident, he simultaneously invented ORKIN pest control, smashed his thumb, created a spark which ignited his ZZ Top length beard, and added a new word to his vocabulary, “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, OUCH.”
The word barbecue is attributed to a Caribbean Indian tribe who cooked food on high wooden racks over burning wood. Their word, barbacoas, morphed into the word barbecue by the American tribe known as Webbers who lived along the Big Green Egg River. The barbecue grille has become more than just an adaptation of the original forest fire roasted squirrel many millennia ago. It has evolved into a cult following who sacrifice a burnt offering every year on the Pagan holiday of July 4th.
Men who normally timidly watch women prepare dinner in the kitchen, suddenly become expert outdoor gourmets. Men don aprons with ludicrous sayings, grab tongs four feet long, and declare themselves, MOTG (Master of the Grille). They reign with a white chef’s hat/crown and a forked scepter over a stainless steel edifice. The simple grill has become a built-in natural gas cooking device with separate burners, warmers, and automatic turning spit. It comes equipped with electronic thermo-sensors, blue tooth monitors on the Master’s iPhone, and beer bottle holders. The equipment may have become high tech, but the ancient language has been preserved through time, “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH.”
By ED PECK
