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MEEKER | Staring down the barrel of our 30s, my husband and I decided recently it was time to make some changes. We want to be healthy enough to enjoy embarrassing our kids long into the future. (This doesn’t match the tone I’m going for here, but it’s also because when someone in your family dies horribly unexpectedly, you have to face your own mortality, and that’s pretty terrifying.)
Anyway, back to lightheartedness, I’m 97% sure my husband loses weight just by blinking, so our journeys haven’t exactly been similar, but we both have hurdles to overcome. My husband has had extensive reconstructive knee surgery, and I’ve had four babies. I don’t care what the magazines say about “bouncing back.” Childbirth does things to a person, permanent things that involve the paralyzing fear of sneezing in public.
The first thing I did was go on a mini-spending spree. I bought everything we needed to become magical unicorns of fitness, because buying your way to muscledom with fancy elixirs is way easier than eating seven cups of kale. Not better, but definitely easier.
I’ve got the fancy protein powder, I’ve got the fat-free yogurt, I’ve got the overpriced, somewhat moldy berries because they ended up in the No Man’s Land of refrigerators AKA the produce drawer.
After a particularly hard workout of a whopping 20 minutes, I decide a protein shake is a perfect way to fuel my creaky, leaky body and get … swole? Is that was they call it now?
All goes according to plan. I throw everything in the blender and feel presumptously great about myself in the process.
We’ve got somewhere to be, so we mobilize our army of tiny humans and get everyone in the car, and then, feeling very adulty, I start to drink my protein shake of greatness.
It’s good … and also really chunky.
Apparently fancy Greek yogurt, which I’ve never bought before because Gogurt is a thing, has this nifty paper on top of it to soak up extra moisture. Google said it’s parchment paper.
And now it’s all shredded up in my fancy, expensive magical elixir.
Did I drink it? You bet I did.
I mean, extra fiber is healthy … right?
By Caitlin Walker | firstname.lastname@example.org