Years ago, I started a tradition of giving a gift basket to expecting parents. It was for the firstborn child of couples we knew well. It started out as both practical guide and a source of humor for nervous new parents. I always asked that this letter be read at the baby shower aloud so that all the ladies could have a chuckle. I hope you enjoy it too.
THE BABY SURVIVAL PACKAGE: INSTRUCTIONS SIMPLE ENOUGH FOR EVEN DADS.
Ninety-five percent of your time will be used for feeding, changing, cleaning, feeding, burping, changing, feeding, cleaning and changing the baby. The other five percent is for sleeping. This is your sleep, not the baby’s. During the baby’s sleep, you wash clothes, blankets and towels. Use your 72 minutes of sleep well each day.
This bag of stuff, along with the book “Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bringing Up Baby,” common sense, unlimited supply of diapers, the 24-hour number to your pediatrician, a degree in engineering and tender loving care will assure a well-adjusted baby…well, at least an occasionally dry one.
THIS KIT INCLUDES:
- BABY LAUNDRY SOAP. This product is specially made for sensitive baby skin. Particular care should be given to removing the baby from the clothes before placing in the washer. Place only the clothes in the washer.
- BURP TOWELS. For use on your shoulder while burping baby after meals. They also double as an emergency changing pad on the floor of a friend’s home. (Omit this step if at a home of person whom you dislike. This would include childless couples who insist on giving you advice on how to raise children.)
- BABY WIPES. For messes on most parts of the body except the eyes. Hopefully the depth never reaches past the nose. In case of major, major, dirty diapers, use fire hose carefully. A World War II surplus gas mask is a plus.
- DESITIN OINTMENT. For use after cleaning baby bottoms (see fire hose above). (Note to Dad: Devoted dads recognize each other at work by their new cologne, ‘Ode De DESITIN’). You should practice removing the cap with one hand. Everything you do for the next 10 months will be one-handed. Get used to it! I personally learned to open childproof medicine bottle caps in the dark at 1 a.m., one-handed. The Guinness Book of World Records never once asked for my autograph. Perhaps it was because of their policy of never including dangerous stunts in their book.
- NASAL ASPIRATOR. (As in, “Hand me that funny looking suction bulb over there!”) Definitely not for the squeamish! Babies can’t blow their own noses. The accumulation is not a pretty sight. Use the bulb as needed to suck stuff from the nose. Use frequently during periods of colds. By the way, periods of colds are frequent. Be sure to rinse with water between uses. (The bulb, not the baby). Although that might not be a bad idea either.
To be continued next week…
By ED PECK – Special to the Herald Times
